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Kraken Not Stirred

Deep beneath the waves, in the cold, sunless world of the bottom of the ocean, lurks the Kraken.

Larger than some countries, the Kraken has ruled the depths of the sea for countless millennia. Occasionally he will surface, often to be mistaken for a mysterious island by unlucky sailors who make port on this new land, only to find themselves sucked below into the briny briny depths when the mighty Kraken descends once again to his ancient home.

The Kraken is possessed of hundred-mile tentacles, each vast enough to strike horror into the hearts of a million Japanese schoolgirls. He has been known to wrap his tentacles around ships built by the puny surface-dwelling humans, dragging poor, bewildered sailors down to their watery graves.

So... yeah. He's kind of a dick.

For thousands of years, that was all of the contact that the Kraken cared to have with humans. But in recent years, his massive brain began to detect something. Signals. Interference in the natural waves of the planet. The Kraken soon realised that these signals were created by humans to tell stories. Stories of great adventure and mystery. Many of these stories told of frontiers even greater than that of the Kraken's beloved ocean. They told of space and time. And the Kraken was all like, "I dig this."

The Kraken, wishing to express his fascination with these stories, now uses his highly-delveloped psionic powers to influence the weak, suggestible, mind of a pathetic human musician. The Kraken beams to this human songs that he, the mighty Kraken, has composed. It's only a matter of time before the human's brain can take no more psionic abuse, liquifies, and runs out his ears, mercifully ending his land-dwelling existence. But until then, you, puny human, can enjoy the fantastic awesomeness that is... KRAKEN NOT STIRRED!

The mighty Kraken plans release one song a month for one human year; the entirety of 2013. Yes, he's going with singles because you know what? Screw albums. Nobody cares about albums. So why waste your time? Instead of making you wait a year for twelve songs, you get to wait a month for one. This guarantees you a steady stream of Krakeney goodness throughout the year.

Upcoming song topics include: Star Wars, Star Trek, Firefly, The Lost Boys, Doctor Who, and Bill & Ted. There also might be some original stuff in there. In fact, the Kraken guarantees it.

Yes, folks, this is high nerdery at its finest.

So if, like the Kraken, you're the kind of person who gets annoyed when people say "Doctor Who" when they really mean "The Doctor", if the idea of midichlorians makes you get all stabby, and if you have an opinion on whether or not Atlan is a cooler Science Officer than Spock (he is), then welcome.

The rest of you... well, the rest of you have already stopped reading. (But kudos on knowing how.)