I am the greatest songwriter of my generation.
Except...
I am being too modest. In fact, I am the greatest songwriter who has ever walked the planet.
(Below I explain how I harnessed my innate and abundant narcissism to achieve the dizzying heights of fame and success that I now rule as undisputed king.
All About Me
I am, after all, the most interesting topic there is.
When I first stormed on to the music scene, such as it was, I had no real "competition" to speak of. In fact, there really wasn't a music scene until I arrived to build it.
So yes, I suppose you could say I am the music scene. Almost overnight I went from being an unknown singer-songwriter to being a household name all across America.
How did I do it? First and foremost I recognized my narcissism and embraced it. Narcisism is a powerful ally, and it is what propelled my to the dizzying heights of fame and fortune that I now occupy.
I took a good long look in the mirror and said to myself: "Chris you're the most talented dude in the world."
I could have skipped the bottom rungs of the music ladder because, let's face it, I was already miles above everyone else. But I knew I would need to be able to say I paid my dues, so I started off playing at open mics.
Of course I blew everyone away at every open mic I played. It got to the point where every time I showed up, the other musicians would basically just give up and put their instruments away.
I recorded a lot of these early performances on a digital camera so I could make them available later when the production companies started knocking on my door looking for vintage footage of my humble beginnings for the myriad biographical profiles of me that began to run around the clock on nearly every television station.
Obviously, with an amazing talent like mine, I could not stay playing open mics for long. So I decided the best way to quickly become a star would be to win American Idol. So I blocked out some time on my calendar and went for it.
Winning American Idol helped propel me into the national consciousness. With my expressive, sinuous voice and heartbreaking, spine-tingling delivery, I stole the show and won the prize.
After that I had to prove I was legit, or course, and not just a pop flash in the pan, so I immediately went into the studio and recorded my first concept album. I chose an upper-middle-brow concept having to do with being the Greek characters on John Keats' urn coming to life and singing timeless songs of love and despair, so everyone would know I am not stupid. I sprinkled the names of famous writers and poets throughout the songs. I reversed course on my clothing - instead of the flashy sequiny numbers I wore on American Idol, I began to clothe myself in Depression-era sepia-toned plain workingman's garments. I even wore suspenders. And in performances I would play a beat up 1940s Martin guitar and be accompanied by an upright bass and a banjo. I made the bassist and banjoist grown bushy beards.
It worked, of course. The critics went wild for my literate, stripped down approach to music, and I sold out every venue I played.
Some of my Idol fans didn't like my transformation so much, so to reconnect with them, my next record was all neo-soul songs with a bit of a hip-hop feel, with my absolutely flawless voice sneaking through the whole mix, astounding the listener at every turn.
It went platinum, of course. And the same critics who showered such lavish praise on my acoustic 1930s-style stripped-down sound now gushed at how in touch with the streets I am now with this new, modern urban sound. I pretty much can't do anything wrong.
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Aside from cultivating narcissism, it is also useful to maintain an aura of mystery. So I grant few interviews, and when I do deign to answer questions, it is usually with cryptic responses that keep my millions of fans wondering exactly what I mean. Everything I say is laden with hidden meanings and dark undercurrents. That's because I'm so deep.
For example, I was asked by a major music magazine recently how I wrote my amazing songs. The reporter found it difficult, as do many people worldwide, to believe that a single person could write so many songs of utter originality and genius.
Here is how I responded:
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Music is what comes out.
Everything else comes in. The world, other music, love, people's words.
But music comes out.
It's not as if I am consciously collecting images or ideas. At some point they all just coalesce and are refined into a song.
Music is at its inmost essence a mystery. How it springs to life is a mystery even to the composer or songwriter. I remember writing songs, even wrestling with variations in melody, structure, and lyrics. But where the unique essence of the song originates remains a mystery even to me.
My songs are unique creations, what comes out of me, without emulating other artists' work. Each song stands on its own, completely unique.
Anyway the songs are what they are and the work of tremendous moments here on earth, even if these moments (and songs) are numbered among the countless others destined for Eternity or Oblivion.
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I saw that whole thing printed on a fan's T-shirt at one of my arena performances once. Of course I dispatched my attorneys and took care of the matter. That T-shirt now hangs framed above fireplace #8 at my mansion, a silent reminder that you can't let people steal your words - you need to get a cut of everything that is done in your name.
Of course, that big long poetic response to a reporter's question, as full of genius as it was, is nothing compared to the beauteous majesty of my lyrics, which cut to the very essence of life, love, and existence, revealing gorgeous emotions in exquisite musical perfection.
Let's face it, the fans have spoken, and the critics have spoken. Everyone has spoken, and the verdict is: I am f--ing amazing in every possible way, and the greatest musician, songwriter, and performer who has ever or will ever grace a stage anywhere on earth.
It's not an accident that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams and able to bask in the adoration of my millions of fans every night. I worked hard to get here. But the fact is, if I had been a lesser talent, none of this would have transpired.
The fact is, I am just completely awesome and a mind-bending genius the likes of which no one has ever seen or heard before. When I sing, there is stunned silence. I hear it. I sense it. It's a thirst for what I have to offer.
Being an A-list celebrity has its lesser moments, but not many. I live in unimaginable luxury, with servants of every stripe tending to my needs and desires around the clock. You might think I'm pampered and out-of-touch. And yet, when it comes time to perform I am the most generous artist ever. I give my all to the audience and they appreciate it - and the opportunity to be in the same room with me, to breathe the same air I breathe.
And why not? If I wasn't me, I would be my biggest fan.
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