1. Thank you for purchasing my album ironically, or out of pity. If you buy my album literally you should probably get an MRI. There may be significant damage already from the tumor in your brain. Only tumors make you buy bad music like mine.
2. I play a Breedlove Black Atlas I bought having never heard of the company before. I thought I was special or something but then I found out other people were buying copies of my guitar. If you play a Breedlove Black Atlas, I will find you and smash your guitar. Then I will eat all the food in your refrigerator.
3. I think if J. Robert Oppenheimer had invented pitch correction, instead of the atom bomb, we would still be fighting WWII and most people would already be dead. If you use pitch correction, I will find you and hammer-punch you in a secret place on your body. Then I will smash your pitch correcter, not because I think it is "cheating", but because your shitty singing is an insult to the astronauts who died to bring you the technology.
4. I will happily sign your body parts, including buttocks, labia majora, labia minora, perinea and scrota. I will also sign babies, but not baby scrota. Stop asking.
5. I gave my virginity to a veteran who'd lost both legs and an arm. I thought he needed it more. He gave me his Army Cross. He thought I needed it more. I sold it and bought a crossbow.
6. Don't fall in love with me. I'm horribly abusive.