Art Paul Schlosser | The Best Of ART PAUL SCHLOSSER

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Kids/Family: Kid Friendly Spoken Word: Comedy Moods: Mood: Quirky
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The Best Of ART PAUL SCHLOSSER

by Art Paul Schlosser

This is a mixture of folk,country,spoken word,comedy,and philosophy coming right out of madison,wisconsin from a street musician.
Genre: Kids/Family: Kid Friendly
Release Date: 

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1. My Name Is ART ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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0:57 $0.99
2. Purple Bananas(on the moon) ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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3. Just a Noise ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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4. My Cat was Taking a Bath ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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5. Just a Pest ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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6. The Worst Restaurant ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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7. WHAT radio ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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8. Pink Pants ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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9. WEIRD radio ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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10. Maybe You think I'm Weird ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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11. KLONE radio ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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12. Dead Skunk Perfume ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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13. KRUD radio ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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14. Waltz With Me Wanda ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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15. Swatting a Fly ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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16. Infinity ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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17. Commercial ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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18. 5 ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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19. Drink Milk Rap ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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20. The Cow T-shirts Jingle ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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21. Scratch in the Record ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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22. I Want To Be Madonna ? ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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23. The One Chord Song ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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24. I Just Made It Up ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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25. The Shortest Song I Ever Wrote ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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26. This One's Even Shorter ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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27. One Note ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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28. Are You Guillible ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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29. Top 10 Reasons ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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30. I'm Blue ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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31. Another Star Trek Sequel Blues ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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32. Corn Joke ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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33. I Ate The Poppin Fresh Dough Boy ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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34. Cat/Horse Joke ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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35. I Don't Want to find Waldo ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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36. A News Bulletin ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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37. I Like My Mother ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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38. The 1st Church of Beatlemania ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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39. Scary Techno Song #5006 ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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40. Choke Soda ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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41. They Won't Play this on the Country Western Radio ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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42. Kermit the Frog Aftershave ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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43. Girlfriend With a Car ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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44. Thanksgiving Stuffing ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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45. Santa Claus Twist ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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46. The Chrismas Book Club ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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47. Venison Christmas ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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48. Santa is Elvis ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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49. The Latest Elvis Imitator ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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50. At the Elvis Concert ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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51. I Want a Date with the Menards Lady ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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52. In the Cheap Rent District ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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53. Have a Peanut Butter Sandwich ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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54. The End ART PAUL SCHLOSSER
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ABOUT THIS ALBUM


Album Notes
This CD came about because the great LukeSki (better know on Dr Demento check out his website at http://www.thegreatlukeski.com)who I met one day on the Capitol Square here in Madison,Wisconsin after my song Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich was getting played on Dr Demento decided that I needed a CD that DJs could play without having to dig through all my CDs to find the best songs. The great LukeSki not only suggested the idea but he compiled the CD and gave it to me without charging me any money or demanding any publicity. I like the idea and like the CD so much that I thought it would make a good CD not just for DJs but for fans to.So here it is and here are the lyrics:



1. My Name is Art

My Name Is Art
And I'm not you
And I don't always do
The things you want me to
You say play the Boss
Or play some Queen
But I'm not into that
Imitation thing
You know Elvis is dead
And I'm alive
And I don't like no
Imitation jive
Because a clone don't make
A very good Rock Star
Because you never really know
Who they are
Imitating everyone
Everyday
I'd rather play my own songs
My own way

Said my name is ART
And I'm not you
And I don't always do
The things you want me to
You say play the Beatles?
Or play some Supremes
But I'm not into that
Imitation thing

2. Purple Bananas On The Moon

1.There's purple bananas on the moon
I'm not quite sure but they said it was true
I'd go there and find out for myself
But I don't have the time or the wealth
I'd read a book about it too
But they say books can lie to you

2.Besides, they convinced me "ride this flying horse"
"It's the best we've got but we'll sell it, of course"
I know what your saying; the horse is a goat
with the price I paid, how could I say no
Besides they convinced me it really has wings
I'm going to fly to the moon, eat purple bananas, and sing
Purple bananas on the moon

3. Just A Noise

This is just a noise
KAZOO sound ~~~~~~~~
Yep ! for the next 30 minutes just noise
Now actaully if this was really an emergency, well you'ld be tuff luck
Because your not listening to the radio,your listening to my tape.

4. My Cat Was Taking A Bath

1. I was riding home late one night
When there in my house I saw a light
And when I got inside
Right before my very eyes

Chorus: My cat was taking a bath
My cat was taking a bath
It was a quarter to 3
And I don't believe
My cat was taking a bath

2.Well maybe I had something to drink
Or maybe I just couldn't quite think
But my ma saw it too
And she said of course it's true

5.Just a Pest

This is just a pest
Kazoo~~ I'm annoying you
Kazoo~~ I'm annoying you
Just a pest
There is no reason for it
It's not a test
It's not even a need or it's just annoyance
Guitar strumming Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha



6.The Worst Restaurant

Come to our restaurant
Come to our restaurant
Bring your family too
Come to our restaurant
Come to our restaurant
We’ll serve you Porky Pine Stew

It’s the finest Dandelion Pie
Soup of the day is Skunk Mushroom
The Parking spots they’re all occupied
No Bathrooms
No Bathrooms

The Music is all noise: Aughhhhh !
But you should see the menus
They’re all written in different foreign languages
So you can’t argue
You can’t argue with the cook

7. W.H.A.T.

W.H.A.T.
WHAT ?
WHAT radio station ?
Yeah WHAT ?
What radio station is this ?
I don't know ?
I think it's WHAT !
Live at The Hog

8.Pink Pants

Inspired by the peppermint twist and was meant to be a 50s rock type song when these 2 little kids said to me on State street "Don't you have any rap songs ? " and since I wasn't quite sure about the music for this I started rapping it and tapping on my guitar and from that moment on it has been a rap song ever since.

1.Well you can sing and you can dance
You might be real good when it comes to romance
You maybe able to tell a diamond from a glance
You ain't done nothing 'til you wear pink pants

Chorus: Pink Pants
Pink Pants
Said all you Uncles
And all you Aunts
All you Critters
And all you Cats
You ain't done nothing 'til you wear pink pants

2.It's the latest fad, the latest scene
It causes the woman to scream! Scream! Scream!
You may think I'm just a little bit obscene
But you ain't done nothing 'til you wear pink pants

3.Get you Uncle some
Get your Grandma some
Your late great Uncle Nate
All your relatives
Friends too


9. WEIRD Radio Station
W.E.I.R.D.
WEIRD radio station !
Are we WEIRD ?
Are you WEIRD ?
Everybody get WEIRD !

10. Maybe You Think I’m Weird

Maybe you think I'm Weird
But you haven't seen yourself in the mirror
Maybe you think I'm strange
But you haven't seen what you look like these days

Chorus:
If the shoe fits
Wear it
If the shoe fits
Wear it
If you think it's true
And it might be to
If the shoe fits
Wear it

Just 'cause I don't dress like you
Don't mean I'm not cool
Just 'cause I don't dress like you
Well maybe you're the fool

11. Klone Radio Station

This is KLONE radio station
Yeah we're like everyone else
We're a klone
Do you have your favorite radio station ?
We sound like them
We're not different
We're not unique
We're KLONE

12. Dead Skunk Perfume

1.When I first met you
I thought you were wise
I thought your Ideas were real intelligent

How was I to know
That you were really crazy
And that Dead Skunk Perfume you would invent

Chorus:Well it stinks and it's lousy
And it smells like dead onions
Or even something worse:Dead people in the tomb
Don't open the bottle
If you should find it
Don't go out and buy Dead Skunk Perfume

2.Well I used to go out with
A real pretty lady
She loved me and she smelled just like a rose

But somehow you convinced me
That you were better
So now when we go out I hold up my nose/(go back to chorus)/

Bridge:Dead Skunk Perfume will kill your neighbors/Dead Skunk Perfume will kill you as well/And if you die with that smell on you/God'll kick you out of heaven and you'll go to(Well I hope not)/(back to chorus)/
1. Intro & Oh Suzanna


13.KRUD Radio Station

This is KRUD radio station
It's KRUD !
You don't like music you like crud
Listen to our station we have crud


14. Waltz With Me Wanda



Wanda's Boyfriend:
Waltz with me Wanda
I want to waltz
Waltz with me Wanda
Wanda right now

Wanda:
I can not waltz
I've got to go
I gotta do some chores
I gotta milk the cow

Wanda's Boyfriend:
Waltz with me Wanda
I want to waltz
Waltz with me Wanda
How about this week

Wanda:
I can not waltz
I have to go to church
They want me on the podium
They asked me to speak

Wanda's Boyfriend:
Waltz with me Wanda
I want to waltz
Waltz with me Wanda
How about this month

Wanda:
I can not waltz
I've got my gun ready
I'm going to the forest
I'm going to hunt

Wanda's Boyfriend:
Waltz with me Wanda
I want to waltz
Waltz with me Wanda
How about this year

The News Announcer:
DDDDD !
this is the 6 o'clock news and I'm Walter Mudface
Today in the news Wanda was shot !
They thought she was a deer

Wanda's Boyfriend:
Waltz with me Wanda
Up there in Heaven
Waltz with me Wanda
Like you did when you were seven

Waltz with me Wanda?
I want to waltz?
Waltz with me Wanda?
Or Rock N Roll !





15. Swatting A Fly

I’ve got to get that fly
I’ve got to get that fly
I hate these flies
Their getting me
I’ve got to get it
Owe !
I hit myself
I’ve got to get that fly
Owe !
I hit myself again
I got him

16. Infinity

This is a song about a song about song about another song
About a song about a song about another song

I’ve got watch that has a watch that has a watch that has another watch
That has a watch that has a watch that has another watch

And when I’m ask the time of day I still cannot say
Cause even with a microscope I still don’t know

I see a watch, I see a watch, I see a watch, I see another watch
I see a watch, I see a watch, I see another watch

You see the name of the song is call infinity
Though you see you don’t really see all that you see
It's called Infinity

It’s a song about a song about a song about another song
About a song about a song about another song

You see the name of the song is infinity
Though you hear you don’t really hear all that you can hear
It's called Infinity

17. Commercial

This is the commercial
About the commercial
About the commercial

There is going to be a commercial
but we don't know what that's about

This is the commercial
About the commercial
About the commercial

They said there wasn't enough commercials
And since they already had commercials about commercials

This is the commercial
About the commercial
About the commercial

18. 5

This is the speech about the speech about the speech about the speech, which is about the speech actually maybe I should just sing a song.

1,2,3,4,5
A,B,C,D,5
5,5,5,5,5
Maybe I’ve been watching too much sesame street 5

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco
5,5,5,5,5
My girlfriend told me to meet her at a certain time, when ? I think it was 5

19. Drink Milk Rap

Drink milk rap
Tell jokes laugh
Clap, clap, clap
Drink milk rap

Drink milk rap
That’s where it’s at
For healthy bats
Drink milk rap

Living in Wisconsin
Eating cheese is fun
Drink milk rap
Drink milk rap

This is the dairy state
Drink milk from a plate
Drink milk rap
Drink milk rap

Drink milk rap
They’ve got a new hat
It’s a cow cow cap
Drink milk rap

20. The Cow T-shirt Jingle

Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Got a Cow Cow shirt
Cow Cow shirt
Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Cows are udderly cool cool cool cool cool

Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Got a Cow Cow shirt
Cow Cow shirt
Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Cows are udderly cool


Madison Wisconsin
You want to be hip
You got to get a Cow T-shirt
& Do a cow flip

Commercials tell you
That Milk is good for you
You like the taste of milk
Get a cow T-shirt too

Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Got a Cow Cow shirt
Cow Cow shirt
Moo Moo Mania
Moo Moo Mania
Cows are udderly cool cool cool cool moo
Oh Suzanna

21. Scratch in The Record

Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
A brand new record
Brand new rec
Brand new rec
Brand new rec
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Don’t you like it
Don’t you like it
Don’t you like it
Don’t you like it
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
A brand new record
Brand new record
Brand new record
Brand new record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch in the record
Scratch

22. I Want To Be Madonna ?

1.I want to be Madonna ?
I want to be a Rock star
I want to be Madonna ?
I want to keep changing the color of my hair
I want to be in all the tabloids
I want to be gossip about everywhere
And when I come in the room
I want everyone to stair

Chorus: I want to be Madonna ?
I want to be Madonna ?
I want to be Madonna
How about you ?
I want to be Madonna ?
I want to be Madonna ?
I want to be Madonna
Wouldn't that be cool ?

2.I want to be Madonna ?
Look at how much money she makes
I want to be Madonna ?
Look at those hot video takes
And if I was Madonna ?
Maybe I could be a little stuck up
If they offered me a movie contract
I could say the money is not enough

23. The One Chord Song

This song only has one chord
That's why your bored
This song only has one chord
That's why your bored
One chord
Your bored
Your bored
One chord

24. I Just Made it Up

I just made it up
I just made it up
Here’s a real good song
I just made it up
Might be a number one hit
I just made it up
I just made it up
Yeah I don’t know what it’s about
I just made it up
Maybe it will be played on the Movies
Darling
Honey
Sweetheart
Dear
I just made it up
Yeah you to can write a song just like the people on the radio
Yeah you don’t have to have skill or talent
Just write down whatever you say that comes out of your mouth
Make sure you don’t swear or you’ll be censored by the FCC
And make sure you don’t steal any lines from other peoples songs or those people will decide to sue you
And one more things I should state
Make sure you copyright your song
Or you know what will happen
Someone else will steal it and make a lot of money
I just made it up
Don’t know why or who for
I just made it up
Don’t know why I did
But I just did it
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
And you know later on when I’m rich and famous and I’m making lots of money you know
And I’m riding in my gold plated Cadilac civil Ford limozine
And I got a black leather jacket with diamonds and studded rubies
And women with diamonds and pearls and jade are begging at my feet
And I’m getting lots of millions of letters everywhere and even packages with money and gifts
And David Letterman wants me on his TV show and I’m playing at the White House
And Madonna has decided to name her child after me and all sorts of other great things are happening
Then you call me up and you’ll get my answering machine and it will say this
I just made it up
Now leave your name and number after the beep
I just made it up
And tell me where you put the key so I can break in later
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
I just made it up
Just made it up
Just made it up
Just made it up …



25. The Shortest Song I Ever Wrote


This is the shortest song I ever wrote
The shortest song I ever wrote
The shortest song I ever wrote
The shortest song I ever wrote

26. This Ones Even Shorter

This ones even shorter
This ones even shorter
Even short

27. One Note

One Note

28. Are You Gullible ?

You might be gullible
If you think everything that Jeff Foxworthy says is funny
You might be gullible
If you bought every CD the Beatles came out with
You might be gullible
If you think there are only two soda and both are cola
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
Or are you gullible ?
Or are you gullible ?

You might be gullible
If you bought the cereal just cause you want the prize
You might be gullible
If you think those cookies are really made by elves
You might be gullible
If you think the guy in your neighborhood who looks like Elvis
and acts like Elvis but sing real bad is really Elvis
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
Or are you gullible ?
Or are you gullible ?

You might be gullible
If you think everyone that works behind a desk is really working
You might be gullible
If you bought everything on the Home Shopper Network
You might be gullible
If you believe all the politicians are honest
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
Or are you gullible ?
Or are you gullible ?

Hey I’ve got a real good deal here
Here’s a knife that’s plastic that cuts real good
Or how about this Condominium on ocean front property in Arizona
Or how about the Eiffel tower I’ve got a real good price you can buy it from me
Or are you gullible ?
Or are you gullible ?
You might be gullible
You might be gullible
And if your gullible
And if your gullible
You lose all your money after while



29. Top 10 Reasons

Top 10 reasons why I want to be on the David Letterman show:

Number 10
I’ll get paid money.

Number 9
I can flirt with some of the Beautiful woman and get their phone numbers
Call them up and let them take me out for dinner and let them pay for everything.

Number 8
I can freak everyone out by playing my one chord song.

Number 7
To start a clique of kazoo fanatics.

Number 6
I’ll be able to stay at an expensive hotel, watch cable TV, stay up late, and lose lots of sleep.

Number 5
Some big time record producer will discover me, and hire me to record a CD or tape which will sell so well I won’t have to do anything but eat food and get fat like Elvis.

Number 4
So that companies will hire me to do commercials, so that I can support things I don’t believe in

Number 3
I’ll be able to make a total fool out of myself in front of millions of TV viewers all across America , Europe and all over the world by tripping over my guitar and breaking it before I even play one note and then going over and greeting David Letterman as Conan O’Brian.

Number 2
After I become famous from my appearance on the David Letterman show, I run for a political office and misuse government funds

And the Number 1 reason why I want to be on the David Letterman show is so I’ll be invited to be on Life Styles of The Rich and Famous and show everyone how I’m foolishly spending the money I made on stupid things that are over priced





30. I’m Blue

I’m Blue
I’m Blue
I bought some paint
To paint my house
It was Blue paint
I spilled all over me
I’m Blue
I’m Blue

31.It’s Another Star Trek Sequel

It’s another Star Trek sequel
They’ve got a man with 3 heads
It’s another Star Trek sequel
They’re going to the planet of the living dead

It’s another Star Trek sequel
Leonard Nimoy gonna be a guest
It’s another Star Trek sequel
It’s called Star Trek the sequel that will never rest

It’s another Star Trek sequel
They’re going to beam me up to play my guitar
It’s another Star Trek sequel
They’ve got lazer lights in the bar

It’s another Star Trek sequel
Paid for by things no one want to buy
It’s another Star Trek sequel
Star Trek the show that will never die

It’s another Star Trek sequel
To boldly go where no one wants to
It’s another Star Trek sequel
And I’ve got the too many Star Trek sequel blues


32. Corn Joke

Q : Do you know what an ear of corn is ?

A : No not that ear of corn.
But an ear of corn is when you take some corn and you put it in your ear and what ever amounts fits in your ear is an ear of corn.

33. I Ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy
I ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy
He tasted so good
Some people say that’s cannibalism
But I if you we’re hungry you would

I ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy
There was no food in my cupboard
He just pop out of the TV and started talking to me
So I cooked him up and from my neighbor I borrowed butter

I ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy
And now I’ve got to go to court
They say it’s a crime to kill a celebrity
The weapon was a knife and a fork

I ate The Poppin Fresh
I ate The Poppin Fresh
I ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy


I ate The Poppin Fresh
I ate The Poppin Fresh
I ate The Poppin Fresh Doughboy

34. Cat/Horse Joke

Q:What do you get when you mix a cat and a horse ?

A:Well you know what it eat the funniest things and when it talks it makes this sound: meheheow

35. I Don’t Want To Find Waldo

1.I don't want to find Waldo
I don't care if he is lost
That game is too expensive
Look how much it costs

2.Waldo's at the beach
I don't understand ?
He never goes swimming
And he doesn't try to get a tan

3.He's always wearing the same clothes
Ain't that kind of strange ?
What does he got duplicates ?
Or does he never change ?

4.I don't want to find Waldo
The whole things just a laugh
He should have brought along a compass
He should have brought along a map

36. A News Bulletin

We interrupt your local broadcasting to bring you this news announcement:
Elvis has just been elected The President of the United States, so now you must listen to 24 hours of Elvis music. Yep, this is Elvis and I’m your President and I want you to listen to my music all the time. Yes and eat lots of Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches

37. I Like My Mother

There's candy
Icecream
Chocalate
Good dreams
And I like my Mother !

Mothers are sweet
Mothers are nice
They help you
Give you good advice
And they make you cookies !

I like my Mother !
I like my Mother !
I like my Mother !
I Like my Mother !
I really Like My Mother !

Theres Uncles
Cousins
Sisters
Brothers
Fathers
And I like my Mother !

And I pray God
You'll let my Mother live a thousand years
So I don't have to get a job or do anything
And I can just live with my mother !

I like my Mother !
I like my Mother !
I like my Mother !
I like my Mother !
I really Like My Mother !

38. The 1st Church of Beatlemania
Join the 1st Church of Beatlemania.
Yes, this is the Reverend Paul McCartney Smith telling you all you need is love so send us your money because money can’t buy you love and love is all you need.
Our 40 member choir knows over 100 Beatle songs and are dressed in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club’s Band uniforms. Whether your Lady Madonna or Mr. Nowhereman
you’ll really feel at home in our air conditioned apple shape auditorium which is only 3 blocks from EMI studios on Abbey road or was that Crabby ? Well anyways, we have the immortal words of Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, & George Harrison in a large bold black print on gold paper on leather bond book which can be yours for a single donation of a $100 dollars. Also included with the $100 dollars is a 5 year membership in our church and your own Beatle wig. This book which we have titled the Beatle Bible includes interviews with not only the immortal Beatles but also their dreams, their ideas, their idols, their idol’ idols, their idol’ idol’ idol’ idols, their friends and family. If your one of the first 500 to join this month will also send you the Beatle Hymn Book. Yes you can be a Beatle ! Join the first church of Beatlemania and love-love our church.

39. Scary Techno song # 5006


Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And all of a sudden it starts to get dark
And all these eyes are staring at you
And dogs

Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel
Not with your hands
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And all of a sudden it starts to get dark
And all these eyes are staring at you
And all these eyes are staring at you
And all these eyes are staring at you

Do you ever
Do your ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And the music is really eerie
And it starts to get dark and all these eyes are staring at you
Are staring at you
And dogs start to bark
Ruff
Ruff Ruff Ruff
Ruff Ruff Ruff

Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And it starts to get dark
And all these eyes are staring at you
And dogs start to bark
And they get louder
And they get louder
And they get louder

Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And it starts to get dark
Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And it starts to get dark
And all these dogs start to bark
And the eyes
Eyes are staring at you everywhere
And you think some guys going to jump out of the bushes
And take all your money and kill you

Do you ever feel
Do you ever feel like your in a scary movie
And it starts to get dark
And the music is really eerie
And all these eyes are staring at you
And dogs are barking
And some guys going to jump out of the bushes

And you wake up

And you wake up

And some guys knocking on your door

And you answer the door and it's the IRS and you owe them 2000 dollars

40. Choke Soda

Choke soda !
Try some it really taste good !
One sip (sipping sound)
augh I can't talk I'm choking !

41. They Won’t Play This on The Country Western Radio

They won't play this on the Country Western radio
It's not what they call Country
I don't wear no cowboy hat
And I didn't send them any money
I didn't send them any money

I come from the north
And I don't drink beer
And besides all these other things
They probable think that I'm queer
Probable think that I'm queer

Just cause I wear pink
Ain't that make you think
Everybody's judging everyone
And sometimes it's in the name of God's Son
Sometimes it's in the name of God's Son

Maybe it's because of the kazoo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well even if they don't play this on the Country Western station
It's not gonna bother me
That's not how I want to succeed
I don't want to succeed by conformity
I don't want to succeed by conformity

I wear the clothes I want to wear
And I cut my hair the way I want to cut my hair
Well if they don't play this on the Country Western radio
You know where they can go
You know where they can go

42. Kermit The Frog Aftershave

Kermit the Frog After Shave.
Have you been having problems trying to get piggies to go out with you on a date..
You know female pigs will not go for just anything
And Kermit the Frog ought to know
He’s had a lot of experience dating Miss Piggy
And so if your having problems dating female pigs try Kermit the Frog After Shave
And if you try it now will also send you Kermit The Frog bow tie to go with it
Yes you too can be like Kermit the Frog

43. Girlfriend with a Car

I want a girlfriend with a car
I want a girlfriend with a car
I want a girlfriend with a car
She can drive me, we’ll go really far

I don’t care if she’s pretty
But gosh I hope she’s pretty
But even if she’s not pretty
She just got to drive me from city to city

You know if she’s got money
If she’s got money
I try to tell jokes and be real funny
If she’s got money

I want a girlfriend with a car
I want a girlfriend with a car
I want a girlfriend with a car
She can drive me, we’ll go really far

You know if she’s got money
If she’s got money
I try to tell jokes and be real funny
If she’s got money

And when we’re married and have kids
When we’re married and have kids
When we’re married and have kids
We’ll bring them up in the Taxi biz

I want a girlfriend with a car
I need a girlfriend with a car
I love a girlfriend with a car
She can drive me, we’ll go really far


44. Thanksgiving Stuffing

Thanksgiving stuffing brought to you by thanksgiving stuffing

The easy way is to buy a box of oven top stuffing which can be bought in any store. It cost a whole lot more than the ingredients. Then read the e directions and get confused.

You could take all the leftovers out of your refrigerator and mixed them altogether and decide you don't like what you got and throw them out. Remember mold taste real good in stuffing

And then there's Grandma recipe. It's real complicated but you try it anyhow. So you got all the ingredients together and you start to make it when halfway it either walks off, or you get puzzled and you called Grandma and find out she never could make it neither

Or you go to an expensive restaurant where you like the food and find out they don't have any stuffing on the menu today because they ran out of it

By the way this was brought to you by thanksgiving stuffing


45. The Santa Claus Twist

You go Ho ! Ho ! Ho !
And you go,go,go
Doing the Santa Claus Twist
You get a red suit
And you get your gal(guy) one to
Doing the Santa Claus Twist
You roll,roll,roll like you've got a big belly
Dust off your clothes like you've just come from the chimney
Take a chance
Do this dance
Doing the Santa Claus Twist

You get a little red hat
With a little white ball
Doing the Santa Claus Twist
All of a sudden
The reindeer you call
Doing the Santa Claus Twist
Dasher and Dancer,Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cuped,Downer and Blisten
Take a Chance
Do this dance
Doing the Santa Claus Twist


46.The Christmas Book Club


Join the Christmas Book Club !
Our latest best sellers are:
Martyred Trees Are Dying
Saint Nicholas is the Pope
The Red on Santa’s Clothes Means He’s a Communist From The USSR
And Reindeer Can’t Fly
We still sell last years best sellers which were
An Old Man Running Around in His Red Long Johns is a Disgrace to Society
Stay Off The Sauce Rudolph
And Yes Virginia Your Dad is Lying
These are our other Christmas Books we sell for half price:
C. A. Christmas Carol Anonymous: Tips to Help You Over Come Being Addicted to Watching Christmas Carols or Other Christmas Specials like It’s A Wonderful Part 2
Here’s another Book:
Gosh Santa Your Clothes Are Really Out Of Style
Here’s the last one Santa is Working for The CIA
Send Check or Money order to:

Fly By Night Books
1414 Rip You Off street
Suckerville,Wisconsin

Or just send your credit card number and will send you all the books

47. Venison Christmas

It was Late one December night
When My Dad saw a real bright red light
So he thought it just might
Be a reindeer in flight
So he pull out his gun
And he bagged him one

We’re gonna have a venison Christmas this year
Rudolph on the grill
We’re gonna have a venison Christmas this year
You can come on over too

Well some people like to eat turkey
And some people like to eat ham
Some people like beef jerky
And some people like eat spam
I don’t know what your serving
But we’re having venison


48. Santa is Elvis


You know I have a theory on this Santa Claus stuff
Elvis is Santa
And you know a they say Santa is everywhere and they say Elvis is everywhere
And you a they’re both fat
You know and the one day of the year you never hear of Elvis performing was on Christmas and you know Santa well that’s the one day he works all year.
And a well you know there’s a couple other theories here you know Elvis makes a lot of money performing and well Santa got have a lot money to give all those gifts away
Well and the last one is that no one really know where they’re at
And so maybe Elvis is Santa or maybe Santa works for the CIA
49. The Latest Elvis Imitator

He's the lastest Elvis imitator
Singing Elvis songs from a boat from the equator
Drinking champagne and acting real cool
But he's not real,he's just a fool

Trying to be someone else
Just so he can get all that wealth
And now that he got his record contract
He's gonna bring Elvis back

To the world and to the stage
See him on the front page
Of every fan magazine you ever seen
Isn't he a real dream
Wait til he comes to your town
Flirts with all the women all around
Sings 50 million Elvis songs
Makes you all sing along

After 10 years or maybe so
One day a mustache he does grow
(Female Fan):Hey your Elvis don't you know
Elvis didn't have a mustache, No!

(Elvis Imitator):Well I'm Elvis and I'm the King
And I can do anything
(Female Fan):Well if your Elvis why aren't you dead ?
(Elvis Imitator):I've been really well fed


50. At The Elvis Concert

Announcer :

Ladies and Gentleman Elvis has just ate the building

Elvis :

Thank you, very much
Thank you, very much

Burp

Thank you, berry much
Thank you, blueberry much
Thank you, raspberry much
Thank you, cranberry much
Thank you, strawberry much
Thank you, berry much





51. I Want A Date With The Menard’s Lady

I want a date with the Menard’s Lady
I want someone that can fix things to be my baby
Someone that’s good with the tools
That can show me how to do a thing or two
I want a date with the Menard’s Lady

I want a date with the Menard’s Lady
You know the way she wears those over alls she really looks sexy
I like the way she calls out the prices
She’s better then those girls they call the spices

I want a date with the Menard’s lady
Madonna move over baby
Cause she’s really hot and she’s tough
And I really like the stuff that she’s made out of
I want a date with the Menard’s Lady

52. The Cheap Rent District


So with these weird sound effects
It’s hard to talk over them
Ah this one
Ever live where there’s
Where there’s
Where there’s low airplane sounding above you and your trying to talk to your friend
And it takes
It’s hard to get a word across
In the cheap rent district

53.Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich



Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Are you depressed ?
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Are you bored ?
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have some milk
Have some Kool-ade
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Do you like White bread ?
Do you like Wheat bread ?
Do you like Rye bread
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have some cake
Have some ice cream
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Why are you worried
About your weight ?
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Elvis like his
With Bananas
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have another peanut butter sandwich
Have another peanut butter sandwich
You can always join weight watchers
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Everybody sing with me
Have a peanut butter sandwich
I can't hear you
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Wear it on your head
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Stick it in your nose
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have your mom
Over for dinner
Have peanut butter sandwiches
Have peanut butter sandwiches
Invite all your friends over
To watch the game
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Everybody now
Have a peanut butter sandwich
I can't hear you
Have a peanut butter sandwich
Have a peanut butter sandwich..

54. The End

This end our day of broadcast
No more shows
You can turn the TV off now
Why aren't you turning the TV off ?
Did I just say this end are day of broadcast ?
Okay
I'm not funny
I'm not being funny
Turn The TV Off !


Reviews


to write a review

The Great LukeSki from the Dr Demento radio show

There is alot more to ART PAUL than Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich
If you haven't heard of ART PAUL SCHLOSSER before,Dr Demento described his work as "outsider music" and other DJs
have compared him to such established funny music artists like Wild Man Fischer,Wesley Willis,Jandek,and even the fictitious cartoon character "Brak".In 2001,ART PAUL made a splash on "the Dr Demento show" with his song "Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich".He certainly got a big reaction from funny music fans and DJs alike,many of them wondering one thing;"Is this guy for real ?" Well I can assure you he is,having run into him as he was performing his unique brand of music next to the capitol building in our mutual hometown of Madison,Wisconsin.His energetic and positive personality shines through in his infectious acoustic guitar & kazoo driven original songs.I picked up his 7 CDs,began corresponding with him about funny music,and even made an appearance on his weekly cable access TV show on WYOU.Art was interested in getting more comedy DJs to play his music,but was not sure how to go about it.I volunteered to take the best tracks from his previous CD releases,and compile them onto one CD to send off to those DJs.ART liked this compilation of his funnier stuff so much that he decided to release it as an official "Best Of ART PAUL"CD,which is what are holding in your hands(Or could be)right now.If the only song by ART PAUL you've heard is "Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich",let me say that there is alot more to ART PAUL than that.His experimental keyboard work is all right,but it pales in comparison to his years of acoustic guitar work.I encourage you to trust me and give this CD a spin,I'm sure you'll find yourself laughing along with ART PAUL very soon.I recommend "Pink Pants"myself.On behalf of ART PAUL SCHLOSSER,thanks for listening and enjoy-The Great LukeSki.Oh and BTW please listen to my radio show on the Internet on Thursday Nights(Where you can hear more of ART PAUL)at http://www.lukeski.com/dementiarevoloution.htm to request your favorite song E-mail me at LukeSki@Juno.com

ART PAUL SCHLOSSER

Yes LukeSki I think this is my funniest CD yet
Of course I might be a little bias but I think the Great LukeSki has capture some of my best songs from my first 7 CDs so if you don't want to collect each one individually than you should get this one and at listen to the songs first if you must and the ones you can't hear here I'm sure if you need to LukeSki will play on his radio show if you E-mail him your request at LukeSki@Juno.com and check out my last word on his CD Ubber Geek at www.lukeski.com

That Guy in LynnwOOd

(About 10 words or less)
Once in a lifetime there comes along a musical work so all-encompassing, so overwhelming, so absolutely amazing that one can scarcely speak on the subject. But i'm here to talk about Art Paul's BEST OF CD.
One of the first description I can give you is, "annoying." This is because my family (one wife, one boy aged 4 years and one girl aged 2) are constantly singing or humming some song from this CD. We love it and that annoys some people. That's OK with us.
We first got turned on to Art Paul when we heard "Have a Peanut Butter Sandwich" on MUSIC WITH MOSKOWITZ in the Seattle area. We've never turned back.
Also, Art? My son's favorite song is Pink Pants. He sings it all day long.

Derwood Bowen

Funny, witty, quirky, and not to be judged on track 53
Luke Ski picked out 54 great tracks on this CD, and they are all clever, funny, or somehow witty in their own way. This CD is great, and I say do not judge the CD based on Have a Peanut Butter Sandwich. Sure, most people would rather listen to my cat trying to play my keyboard than listen to Have A Peanut Butter Sandwich, but the other 53 are really great, so if you don't have this CD, GO GET IT! NOW!