We here at the sleep deprived Empty Pockets Productions Marketing Division are hard at work trying to con you, the easily fooled consumer, to spend your hard earned money on this here hunk of shi..er, I mean this here wonderfully crafted carnival of orgasmic auditory creations. Whew! I think I need another cup of java. I'm beginning to see faces in my fingers. Anyway, here at EPP-MD we have used various techniques to convince you potential buyers to purchase this fine, melodic work of art, yet we are somewhat divided as to which method is actually the most successful. Therefore we must try them all, in a desperate attempt to get somebody's attention. I will now turn this over to my employees so they can work their magic, for I am very tired and can no longer punch away at this keyboard. It keeps bubbling and screaming every time I hit the space bar. So without further ado, I present to you a few EPP-MD strategies. Unfortunately, since this site is accessed solely through the Internet, both the CD firmly nestled between two large breasts sex appeal approach, as well as the intimidating red-hot poker in the eye scare tactic cannot be used.
The Aggravated Pessimistic Reverse Psychology Sob Story Technique
This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid. I mean, it's not a bad concept, but nobody really cares. Sure, we can sit here and write down a bunch of funny little paragraphs, and maybe someone will buy a CD. Yeah, and then again maybe Marilyn Monroe will come back from the dead, tongue my sphincter, and rid me of my dysentery. Nobody is going to buy a Goddamn CD from a band they've never heard. They will simply read what we have written, possibly chuckle a few times, and then move on to the next CD they're not going to buy. Let's face it, we're wasting our time writing all this down. It's not fair, but that's life. How can we compete against the mighty record companies whose greedy paws already manipulate the masses of marionettes known as the modern everyday consumer? Why is it that some bands can bust their asses and make nothing while others do far less and make millions? You know why? Because people buy what they're told to buy. The record companies say, "Hey, buy this CD. That amazing song you hear on the radio 27 times a day is on it, so who cares if the rest of the record blows. Don't buy that "Freeloader" CD. You want the new "Death Testicle" album. Buy our album. Buy our album. Buy our album." Yeah, go buy it, you stinking puppet. We don't want your money anyway. You're all a bunch of f*cking pawns. So crawl to your local record store and beg the stoned out, green haired hippie behind the counter to pretty please sell you that precious CD with that tune the industry controlled radio stations have brainwashed you to believe is actually good. God I hate you all. I hope every last one of you miserable sons of bitches is viscously attacked by hundreds of rabid squirrels. So I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Don't you dare buy this CD.
The Humanitarian Approach
Hello there, good friend. Please spend a few minutes listening to the delightful sound clips to your left. The Freeloaders have gone out of their way to provide you with the best possible product their tight budget would allow. Recorded and mixed with the best technology available, these discs are now being individually produced, assembled, and hand wrapped with love from a compassionate Cambodian sweatshop, kind enough to allow their under aged staff to experience the joys of manual labor. The thick, glossy, pull out inlet is constructed from only the finest and healthiest rain forest timber available to insure durability. Then to improve appearance, as well as wear and tear and corrosion from evil Mother Nature, the inlet has been protectively laminated with natural skin oils from clubbed baby seals. That's right, we spare no expense when it comes to your enjoyment. In fact, if your product is not in mint condition upon arrival, please send it back to us so we may toss this defective impurity right into the nearest ocean, and promptly send you a brand new non-biodegradable CD. On top of that, rest assured that $8 from every CD sold will be contributed to the "Starving Musicians Fund" where needy and hungry musicians can thankfully replenish their ravenous bellies with nutritious heaping portions of veal. Make a difference. Go to bed feeling good about yourself. Help a starving musician today and order "The Freeloaders - Doubles as a Coaster."
The Classic Bait and Switch
Yeah, well you see, we seem to have just sold out of the Limited Edition 10th Anniversary Gold Plated Signed Double Live Extended Glow-in-the-Dark Holographic Deluxe Pulsing Dave Matthews CD complete with inflatable Dave head, but, however, we do have in stock this comparable factory sealed Freeloaders CD. How bout it?
The Infomercial Salesman Method
ACT NOW! This CD will not be around for long. In fact, there are only five copies left in sto... No wait, four copies left in stock. Only four copies left! These CD's are flying off the shelves faster than you can say, "The selfless selfish shellfish sells fish sufficiently." ACT NOW! This 10-track CD is over 50 minutes long with classics like Ruffini and Richard Cabeza, but if you act now and don't delay, we'll throw in two bonus tracks at no extra charge. That's now 12 tracks at over 63 minutes. Amazing! This new state of the art technology is small, round, and flat with a little hole in the middle, and can be played in any CD player. And with a list price of $142.00, you're saving a whopping $129.05. That's over 90% off. Incredible, but that's not all. ACT NOW! That's right, act now and we'll throw in the CD case that the CD comes in absolutely free. What a bargain! You can't miss out on this exclusive offer. Listen to what some people who have no financial interest in the success of this product have to say about it. Kelly Wagner - "I swear, I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks just listening to The Freeloader CD" Thomas Volpez - "Using cutting edge breakthrough advances in Science, The Freeloaders have successfully used notes and headphones to project electromagnetic waves into my brain stem, rejuvenating my hair growth." Julius Inthirath - "I played the Freeloader CD on continuous loop while watching Tae Bo, and not only found an amazing amount of connections too vast to be simply coincidence, but also developed washboard abs and buns of steel." ACT NOW! Let that be a lesson to you all. If you're still not convinced, feel free to read all the great reviews thoroughly fabricated by the artists themselves at the bottom of the page.
Okay, well that's about it. After a good twenty minutes of some shut-eye, I'm back at it again, ready to take on the world I will one day rule. For now though, you have a decision to make, young grasshopper. You can either do the right thing, and buy a Freeloaders CD like any decent human being would, or you can decide not to, in which case your immortal soul will forever burn in the unceasing fires of Hades. It's your choice, but I think $12.95 is a small price to pay to forgo eternal damnation. But what do I know? It's your call.
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