Dear Mr. And Mrs. Consumer,
We have your children captive. Listen to our explicit instructions and they will not be harmed. BUY buy bUy BuY BUY. We've got Dualdiscs, bonus DVD's, extra tracks, ringtones, buddy icons, enhanced media, all remastered and repackaged! For one low price, you'll get the next big thing, what's "hot," (or is it "sick" now) what all the other kids are doing. MTV, VH1, E!, Rolling Stone, SPIN, give it 5 stars!!!!
Sadly, this was your life!
NNMaddox is your rainbow kaleidoscope, celebrated Melody Man. He didn't steal your boyfriend, makes you wanna la la, ain't saying she's a gold digger, won't phunk with your heart, wishes his girlfriend was a freak like you, is more than you bargained for, but ain't no hollaback girl, and he'll wake you up when September ends.
NNMaddox came from humble beginnings. Unlike his Top 40 peers, he had to actually get his hands a little dirty. He had to lift a few fucking things. Fried fish and shrimp, flipped burgers, cleaned bathrooms, breaded onion rings, cut lunch meat and stocked shelves overnight. One time some maggots got into some opened cat food. Smelled like a rancid dump, but NNMaddox took care of that shit. He can cook a mean chicken gumbo. He was Louisiana before being Louisiana was cool, bitches.
But while he was washing those dishes, he had a plan. He's got that ambition, baby, look at his eyes. This week he's mopping floors, next week it's the fries. And with a flick of the wrists, a snap of the fingers, he created an empire with 14mercy of misfits and other social rejects that don't give a good goddamn what the world thinks of them. And they will fire before they see the whites in your eyes. This is guerilla warfare. They'll cut your dicks off and stick them in your filthy mouths. They'll plant bombs in baby carriages. They don't give a fuck about morals, standards, the golden rule, the pledge of allegiance, or the motherfucking Ten Commandments.
You say you want a revolution, well you know we'd all love to see the plan.
Kelly Clarkson And The Rainbow Kaleidoscope is for those fucking stoner kids that you knew in school. And since these days, those dumbasses make up more than half of high school kids across the nation, NNMaddox thought it would be a great idea to sing them psychedelic lullabies while they fry their brains Syd Barrett-style. You know how much they like their ecstacy, LSD, and all that other shit that makes their balls shrivel up like raisins. But don't sweat it kids. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.
But, hey, let me get serious for once. The album is NNMaddox's finest work as a solo artist and producer. In the spirit of Donovan, George Harrison, and Syd Barrett, NNMaddox transforms simplistic pop songs into works of art. And this guy uses the glockenspiel like NO ONE ELSE.
And there is no "Guest Appearances" either. No songs feature Jamie Foxx, or is remixed by Pharrell. They're never on Laguna Beach or The O.C. either. I had the misfortune of watching an episode of Laguna Beach once, and one of the girls referred to her Mercedes as a "piece of shit" because the air conditioning wasn't working or something to that effect. What a dirty cunt. May she fall asleep tanning and wake up looking like an overcooked baked potato. I swear, these bitches are so tan, I'm tempted to bring the sour cream and chives and have me a little impromptu meal. I could make a fucking purse with their skin it's so leathery. Oops, broke out of character.
Anyway, there's no 9 minute long videos for any of the songs, complete with bad acting by douchebags chewing the scenery. During the writing and recording process, NNMaddox took great strides in blocking all douchebags from entering the studio.
I'll be honest with you. You'll listen to this album, and you won't know what to make of it, because it's nothing like anything you've been programmed to like. So you're gonna sit there like a dipshit until someone with any kind of manufactured authority whispers in your hollow head how brilliant it is.
Listen, do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Let me whisper in your ear, say the words you long to hear.
It's good, really. Buy it. It cures diseases, smells like roses, whitens your teeth, enlarges your penis, gives you energy, feeds starving kids, shelters the homeless, and gives back to the community.
It's the real deal, a bargain, Grade A, top-of-the-line, high-end, but low maintenance, low-carb, reduced fat, microwavable, portable, disposable, hand-held, convenient, time-saving, user-friendly, accessible, apropos, simpatico, satisfaction guaranteed, hot-off-the-presses, accommodating, affable, civilized, complaisant, cordial, courteous, courtly, cultivated, diplomatic, formal, genteel, gracious, mannerly, polished, polite, politic, refined, suave, urbane, well-bred, well-mannered, chivalrous and fucking compassionate.
It will make you a better person if you buy it.
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