2hatJohn with The Clap
2hatJohn is a comedy concept performance artiste with a distinctive, disgusting, vulgar and expletive riddled repertoire. You are supposed to be either amused, entertained, offended or all three, really WGAFF. Let me tell you how this album of songs came to be created.
Many years ago John was but a lad writing what he thought of as funny poems that he would read aloud to his fellow workers in what was then the factory system of Lancashire UK. Many found his work amusing and so the young John decided to send a sample of his poetry to an established and well respected entertainer, his name was Max Bygraves. The dream John had was that Mr. Bygraves, famous for many hit records in the 1960s, would like to use some of the poems in his act. Time passed and John received a reply that rather dashed his hopes of success it contained the lines: Having read your work I feel that you are in need of psychological help and appear to me to be seriously disturbed. What a bummer eh!
Decades later John picked up the guitar one day and began strumming along singing a song to Matt The Clap who paused just for a moment before announcing that he considered John was playing like a ‘total two hat’. Astonished to hear this John thought he was being called a very rude name, but Matt quickly explained that what John was doing was playing a Country and Western/Folk Music crossover style so metaphorically wearing two hats. That is how John became 2hatJohn. The Clap is Matt’s name, something to do with VD he says but declines to go into detail and we must respect that for he is a private man with his own way of doing things, your honour.
The songs are 2hatJohn’s idea of life on the darker side of town, a walk on the wild side. All words and music are by the lad himself and if you are easily offended then stop here because they are riddled with filthy, disgusting references to all manner of depravities. See the song notes and if you are feeling brave, are over the age of 18 years and dare to risk it then slip this CD into a player and stand by!
The artwork is not just the 2hat slipping on his evening attire this has meaning; let me explain. The image of 2hatJohn in a bowler hat with an orange in his face is a nod to 1. Rene Magritte the surrealist artist 2. Clockwork Orange by Stanley Kubrick. 3. The Sex Pistols art on God Save The Queen. 4. The Elephant Man by David Lynch. 5. Dark Glases: Roy Orbison In Dreams as featured in Blue Velvet another David Lynch Film. An eclectic mix there!
You got this, you play it and if you like it then be assured help is available at all good psychiatric hospitals because, having heard this collection of 2hatJohn with The Clap, you really could be Seriously Disturbed.
More of a note of caution than a full song this is good advice for all who dare to slip the 2hatJohn CD into a player and take the chance. Here the song messages are briefly outlined and you dear victim are invited to take the sensible step of stopping before it’s too late and you have been bombarded with the turgid stew of 2hatJohn.
MY BUDDY JOE
An almost true tale of two good buddies in Toronto, Canada who decide to visit Niagra Falls where Buddy Joe pops a handful of Viagra tablets. The results are the story of this song. The names have indeed been changed to protect the true identity of the two old wankers that did it.
If you believe that Witch Doctors and Voodoo Men can grant wishes then this is the song for you. Telling the tale of a young man who wants to increase the length and girth of his honeymoon equipment 2hatJohn’s song explains what happens when he visits Ole Daddy Magumba the perverted chicken bone magic man. Ooopsy Doopsy!
Fetish fucking is, I am told, very popular in the Home Counties where gentleman bankers, stockbrokers and their wives dress up in weird costumes and shag each other senseless. To even contemplate having you wife dolled up as a Vampire that bites your backside would require a certain public school education. Wot!
THE FAIRY WISH
It’s an old story, man out walking his dog, daydreaming about wealth and what have you meets a fairy that offers to grant him a wish. But there is a catch, bastard tricky old catch you out every time trick and this guy falls for it. You got to say though if you are daft enough to believe in fairies you deserve all you get.
WHO’S BANGING MY WIFE?
Suddenly the wife is treating you with respect, nice meals, plenty beer, warm slippers by your rocking chair, is that natural? No it fucking well isn’t so what the fuck is up and you must suspect some fucker is banging her, I mean it sure isn’t you so who is it, who is banging the wife? This song offers the answer. Really!
Manchester, pissing it down so this cheeky fucker and his mate Ken piss off to Benidorm. Seven nights of utter degredation with all manner of horrible experiences such as up the botty S&M, sunburnt dick, shockingly aged old blonde shagger, a tranny that sucks dicks and to top it all a rat for a cell mate. Bollocks to it Terry!
THE FARTING WEREWOLF
It’s happened to us all, Vindaloo ring-burner after a gallon of gassy lager and the nightmare starts at midnight. The werewolf chases you through that dark dreamscape, the stink is terrible and no wonder, your missus has been at the curry pot and the whiff is not the wolf man it’s her reaction to the action. Downwind delightful!
WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW
Nothing quite like gripping her by the hair and wobbling the willy in her face is there? Few good slaps, a crack on the backside let the bitch know exactly who the daddy is and they love it really, don’t they? Well this bastard decided to fight back and fuck me, what next she’s the daddy now! Surprise Special Guest as THE BITCH.
Sex isn’t just for the young and nubile, even the silver haired old ladies like a good fucking seeing to now and again, well this one does. She shags the priest, rogers the Pizza Delivery man, Strap-On-Kit buggers a travelling salesman, assaults a copper and ends up, well you better listen for yourself. I mean honestly depraved!
WHO’D BE A REFEREE?
The kid that stinks, the nose picking, crow flicking should have been shot at birth useless ugly bastard that everyone hates for no reason other than he is a complete cunt. You know the sort, can’t see straight, walk upright and as for kicking a ball, fucking hopeless. What could this total tosspot ever hope to be? Yes…
The Victorian dungeon that was Strangeways Jail in Manchester has many a story to tell, this is not one of them. The abuse and degradation of inmates, the systematic bullying by staff and worst of all, the man they call Big Daddy ruling the place with a rod of iron, that would be his dick you know and one screw found out.
NOT ROOM 13.
This is a knocking shop, 24 rooms of deviance, delight and danger where every perversion is provided. Suck it, lick it, poke it, stroke it, make it happen filthy fun stick it in or take it up the bum. It has everything a dirty bastard could hope for, in even the wildest dream, but don’t fucking go in room 13. Unimaginable. Not going back!